Serial Returners

Amazon announced they’re going to start tagging products that have a large number of returns. They’ll put some sort of badge on the product page, warning consumers that this choice comes with some risks—namely, that you might find the quality not up to par.

On the surface, it’s a good idea.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it only goes halfway.

Yes, there are plenty of shady companies putting out a tsunami of shitty products, secure in the knowledge that only a small percentage of people will bother to return the garbage. The rest will just chalk it up to a bad impulse buy and eat the mistake.

Those jerk companies should definitely be flagged.

But what about the other side of the equation? What about the jerk consumers?

There are people who are serial returners. They buy a product, use half of it, then return it and say it was no good. Then they turn around and do the same thing, over and over again.

They love getting one over on big business. And there’s really nothing anyone can do about it. I know someone who ate an entire ham, then took the empty package back to the store and said it wasn’t good. They got their money back, and the ham company got the shaft.

The ham was fine.

I sell books and audiobooks, and for years people figured out how to job the audiobook market. Some platforms allowed you to download the book and then return it within a few weeks.

Weeks? It took these people just three or four days to listen to the entire book. Then they’d return it and do the same scam again with another title. Audible didn’t care; they weren’t the author, and since it was all digital, it cost them nothing, really. The writer, meanwhile, lost a sale, basically giving the shithead “buyer” a free book. Over and over again.

(Thankfully, Audible curtailed this practice, but long after a ton of damage was done.)

This is but one example. Every store in America can pretty much recognize the serial returners when they walk in the door. They buy a product, use it, return what’s left, get their money back, and move on to the next victim. And companies are afraid to say anything because the shithead consumer will then leave a bad review—a hefty club many of them are happy to wield in order to get their free stuff. “If you don’t give me what I want, I’ll leave a one-star review.”

I don’t know how they’d ever do it, but I’d love to see Amazon and other retailers keep track of the people who continually return things. Then, when these people go to make a purchase, the seller can decide if they want this jackwagon to actually be a customer. The seller would have the chance to say, “Hey, thanks, but no thanks. Please look for this same product with another outlet.”

I know damned well this will never happen. But I just want it on the record that, while there are shitty companies selling shitty products, there are also shitty consumers ripping off honest companies every damned day.

I just wish we could flag them, too.